A Guide to Successfully Using Double Talk in Any Situation

A Guide to Successfully Using Double Talk in Any Situation

By Mike Abene

Let’s face it. Some of you guys don’t know the right thing to say. Even worse, when put on the spot, you can be painfully inept. We’ve all been there, but in the game of Relationship Roulette and Corporate Survivor, fortune does not favor the bold. Middle of the road is the path, my son.

Follow my instructions, learn from the master, and you’ll get through the next minefield with great aplomb.

Here are some of the most common situations where most guys fall into trouble. Pay attention, rookie.

“Sundays are for watching football.”

A new McDonald’s commercial shows a young couple eating lunch at (where else) McDonald’s. The woman mentions that so-and-so’s boyfriend says that “Sundays were meant for watching football… D’you believe that?” she asks. Clearly our man has been put on the spot, and that’s too bad for him. However, you don’t have to be a member of the Groundlings to come up with a timely, off-the-cuff reply that will also keep you in skins for the foreseeable future. The wrong answer can be wrong in more than one way. To wit:

Wrong answer (the one he gave): “He’s a jerk.”

“Why is this wrong?” you ask. “Certainly he’s placated his woman and now the conversation can move on to something important, like where she wants to go shopping next.”

Well, besides being spineless and pandering, it also cements his place in the Never Watching Football Again Hall of Fame. They’re probably carving his statue right now in fact. For all we know, the boyfriend may very well BE a jerk, but what’s that have to do with your lazy, Sunday afternoon? It’s the PLAYOFFS!

And now, to make matters worse, you can’t even watch the game with so-and-so’s boyfriend.

Correct Answer: “Well her boyfriend must be a real treat during baseball season.”

That’s how it’s done. You didn’t answer the question, but she sure thinks that you did. Less is more here, guys. If she smiles, just dummy up.

Here’s the thing: Guys like watching football. It’s what men do. Any woman that doesn’t want her man to watch football doesn’t want a man. Maybe she wants a yes man. Maybe she wants a boy. Maybe she wants a woman! I don’t know. I’ll give it very little thought while I throw my feet up on the sofa and watch the game.

“Do you think she’s attractive?”

I don’t care if your woman is a Plain Jane, Jesse Jane or Jane Seymour. All women have fragile egos, and they all want to be the only woman that you find attractive.

Let’s use a celebrity example to illustrate this point. Carmen Electra, be it on the TV screen, gossip rag, or your wildest fantasy.

Is she hot? No doubt. Is she fine? Unquestionably. But how do you stay out of the quicksand of all relationship questions…

“Do you think she’s attractive?”

Easy there, cowboy… This one’s tricky. Best to leave it to a professional:

Say “No,” and she knows she’s involved with a liar and it’s all downhill from there. Don’t insult her intelligence, but whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy, don’t say “Yes.”

Say “Yes,” and you’re knee deep in ‘tude for quite some time. Billy…Don’t be a hero. Don’t be a fool with your life.

Correct answer: “I’m pretty grossed out about the fact that she was bedding down with Dennis Rodman, that’s for sure!”

Problem solved.

Truth is… I am kinda put off by the thought of a woman like that taking on The Worm’s…well…worm. In fact, I just vomited when I typed that, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s Carmen Electra, for crissakes, not the hot waitress at the diner in town. It’s a different scale, and she’s broken it.

Whenever this question arises, no matter who the female in question may be, deflect controversy by identifying the first flaw you can and pointing it out. It works every time.

If She Asks About Her Cooking

If you’re lucky enough to have a woman that cooks, you will hear this question fairly often: “Do you like the (insert tonight’s culinary concoction here)?”

This is not the time to fancy yourself a food critic or dust off your Zagat Reviewers Handbook. Are you eating? Yes. Were you hungry? Probably. Aren’t you always?

So, unless a lifetime of cold sandwiches is what you long for, answering “No” is not an option. I won’t even bother to point out how wrong it is. Clearly, there are only two ways to go here:

If you like it: Simply answer “Yes!” Problem averted. I think that’s self-explanatory.

If you don’t: Here’s where the double-talk comes in… “It’s very tasty.”

Sure it’s tasty, but what does it taste like? It doesn’t matter. You’ve just avoided some hurt feelings and possibly a blow-up, just because she didn’t add enough salt. Go ahead and season to taste, but make sure you do it subtly, otherwise she’s sure to have a follow-up question, and I won’t be there to help you.

In the Office

Non-committal Double-talk works everywhere and with everyone (except seasoned evasive double-talkers, that is) and your office is no different.

Here are several examples of commonly asked questions that you might encounter in the office environment, and the bullshit answers that should follow them.

Q: Have you had a chance to look at my email?

A: I’m working on something right now, but I’ll call you back when I’m through.

Here you manage to blow the person off while giving him the impression that you answered his question. Or at least you intend to. It sure beats, “Yeah, I looked at it. Stop bothering me!” Or “No, I haven’t had a chance to look at it, due to my incessant Web surfing and personal long distance phone calls.” Get the picture?

Q: Will you be in the office this week?

A: I haven’t checked my schedule yet.

Translation: “I may or may not know where I’ll be this week, but the last thing I’m going to do when I find out is tell you.”

Q: Can you explain exactly what it is you do for the company?

A: My role has changed several times over the years.

The full answer would expand from there and get more convoluted, but this is another example of “Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”

Q: Are you available tomorrow to work with me on a project?

A: Hey… Didn’t you read Question #2?

Q: Did you see any inappropriate behavior at the Holiday party?

Of course you did. In fact, the story that you’re being asked about probably had something to do with the time you spent in the coat closet with the girl from Payroll, or the joint you shared in the parking lot with that dude from HR. But what’s your answer?

A: You know… I wasn’t feeling very well that night. I left pretty early.

Sure you did. To the coat closet, the parking lot…

So, what can we take away from all of this?

Double-talk is an art. It is a combination of trickery, sleight of hand and lies of omission. Even Houdini needed a little peace and quiet in-between Chinese Water Torture escapes and punches in his stomach.

Even now as you read this, you’re probably thinking that you’ve learned something…
 
 
 
Originally appeared on TheSmokingJacket.com